Grief

I'd say grief is a funny thing except that I haven't found anything funny about grief.  I've looked.  Grief is hard. Grief is tricky.  Grief is sneaky.

I've experienced several losses.  The largest one of course being the death of my Daddy in 2000.  The death of Ryan's dad was also very difficult. 

I've grieved the loss of some relationships as well.  Those did not impact me like deaths but they are a loss.  Grief does not have to be related to a death. You can grieve the loss of a relationship or dream.  But today, I'm referring to my specific grief related to the death of my Daddy and Ryan's dad.

Over the last few months I've heard people talk about how hard the second year is.  A speaker at You Are summed it up perfectly "I can do anything once. The second time you realize 'oh crap, I have to keep doing this with him'".  The first year you're in a fog.  By the second year you're supposed to have it figured out and things blindside you.

Here's the crappy news: it keeps happening.  I'm 19 years into my largest loss.  Last Sunday, I looked over at a teenage girl wrapped up in her daddy's arms during worship.  I lost it.  I physically ached.  We hug at our house but there's nothing like my Daddy's hugs. 

Once you experience a life altering loss, grief lives with you.  It's kinda like a flame.  For a while it burns intensely, white hot, it hurts.  Over time, it dulls.  It's like an ember.  And like an ember, it can be stoked back into a full out flame. It can be intense, white hot and painful again. 

The good news is that I get to choose my response to grief now.  In the early days, I couldn't control the flame.  It overtook me.  As time as gone on, I've learned to control it in a way.  I can't control when it will come but I have the strength to control my response.  It's not often now that grief sends me to bed.  I have the strength to respond to my loss by remembering the good times.  Remember those times are a comfort now.  At first they led to more grief and that never ending cycle would send me to bed, sleep was my only escape.

If you're in the intense, white hot, painful season of grief take heart. Turn to God and you'll get stronger.  He'll love you and strengthen you.  He'll put people in your life who will help you feel stronger.  He'll help you remember that Christians don't grieve the same as the world. We grieve with hope of the future.  (But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you not grieve as others who do have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.  1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 ESV) And don't worry if you think that's a load of crap right now.  Stay in the Word. Keep praying.  Let others believe for you.  Hold on tight until you can believe it for yourself again. 

You Are 2019

Last weekend I was able to attend You Are 2019 and it was fabulous, again.  Last year was my first experience with You Are and I was anxious to return. 

First, let me say that it is abundantly clear that the women who run this conference are all in for Jesus.  The Holy Spirit is moving in their organization.  It is absolutely crazy and exciting that there are so many over the top outstanding women of Christ in Bryan/College Station. 

The group of cLife women at You Are grew this year. It's my prayer that our group will continue to grow and more women can experience You Are each year.  I think everyone but me, left the Dallas area early in the day and rode together.  I left right after school and enjoyed the time alone in the car. 

Friday night's session was my absolutely favorite.  The speaker's name is Damaris Carbaugh.  Oh my gracious, she is precious.  She started by singing us two beautiful songs.  She cried while she sang.  After singing she told us that she didn't have a cold, she cries every time she sings about Jesus.  "He melts me".  I loved that! I cry almost every time I worship so I was related with Damaris from the jump. 

Damaris is from New York City and she is a straight shooter.  I loved it when she paraphrased the Bible via New York.  I also loved her message - READ YOUR BIBLE.  Damaris used to sing jingles and told us her new jingle is "READ YOUR BIBLE". 

Damaris has inspired me to not only read my Bible in the morning but at mid-day.  It's a new habit I'm trying to develop.  I'm two day in, I'll keep you updated ;)

Worship at You Are is awesome! The songs are great and at time there's a dance troupe that performs.  As I wrote last week, I like to keep my eyes closed during worship but I can't keep my eyes off the girls.  Such a beautiful expression of their love for Jesus!

I really enjoyed our group of cLife ladies.  I wish we had more time to reflect and encourage each other during the conference.  The ladies I stayed with went out to eat after Friday night's events.  I was going to go but I was so tired.  What I loved was that my friend Laci said "it's totally cool if you want to go to the house instead of out to eat." They get me and love me anyway.  And we laugh.  Almost constantly!

I'm already looking forward to next year.  But I can't really think about it.  I can't really think about anything 2020 related because I can't believe that Sam will be graduating in 2020.

Legacy

Legacy. What is a legacy?
It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.

   - Lin-Manuel Miranda - Hamilton: An American Musical  

This picture.  This is a picture of a legacy.  It's the spiritual legacy of Hazel Splawn Gheen Stevenson.

This is my cousin Angala and I at the You Are Conference last weekend.  Friday night my mom texted me to say that Angala was there too. We hooked up and had a nice, too quick, visit.  Then Saturday as the last session started, I knew we needed to get a picture.  I started thinking about Granny Gheen's legacy.  Then the last speaker started talking about legacies.  Man, I love it when God does stuff like that!

My Granny Gheen loved Jesus and her church.  And, when she passed, it was apparent that her church loved her too.   I have one of Granny Gheen's Bibles.  I love that it has her handwriting in it. (I wrote about Granny, socks and handwriting in November) She wrote the dates and teachers by verses.  Seeing her Bible inspired me to starting making notes in my Bible.  I write the dates I read chapters or verses.  I note sermons and teachers.  I underline. I star.  I write short notes.  Granny's love bled through to Angala and I.  So there we were in College Station at a fabulous conference learning about and praising Jesus.  I imagine Granny Gheen was smiling down on us.

Besides being thankful about Granny Gheen's legacy, I started thinking about my own.  Parenting is hard, you don't know what's going to stick and what's going to get pushed aside.  I pray my love for Jesus and His people is evident to my boys.  I see them loving others well.  I pray it continues.  I pray in many many many many many (how many more manys should I type) my grandkids will know how much I loved Jesus and His people from their daddies and from my Bible.

Worship

I've listened to Louie Giglio's audiobook, The Air I Breathe. It's all about worship.  Worship as our response to God, not just worship music.  Right off the bat, Louie knocked me back.  He reminds us that God made us to worship.  It's an engrained part of who we are.  We are going to worship something if we don't worship God.  Ever since I listened to that, I've tried to be very aware of who and what I'm worshipping if I'm not worshipping God.

My favorite way to worship/kind of worship is singing.  I am not great or even good singer.  But I'm counting on Psalm 100 - make a joyful noise unto the LORD.  Did you get that, it didn't say "sing a good song" "be on key for the LORD".   So, sorry if you sit near me at church, I'm gonna be busy making my joyful noice unto the LORD.

I usually close my eyes while I sing, if I know the words.  I do this so I can focus.  If I don't close my eyes I'm looking at everyone else.  Who's coming in late? Who's holding up their hands? What's the band doing?

I find that God really stirs my heart when I'm tuned in and singing worship songs.  I'm a bawl bag so I generally end up crying during worship.  Closing my eyes helps me control that a bit.

If I'm honest, I sometimes have a hard time getting in the zone during Sunday morning worship. There are two scenarios during worship. One is that my special needs ministry class is meeting.  Two is that B is with us in service.  During #1 I might be thinking about the kids and volunteers in the room right now.  I totally trust my team but sometimes they need me.  During #2 I feel like I need to keep one eye open so I can make sure B stays with us or doesn't interrupt someone else's worship experience.

This weekend I'm going to the You Are Conference in College Station.  It's a women's conference that I first went to last year.  I'm so excited to worship at You Are, to get in the zone. 

What's your favorite way to worship?  How do you get in the zone?