The Bigs

The Bigs.  My collective name for my older sons, Sam and Zac.  Sometimes that name also includes their cousins who are their same ages.  I try not to write too much about them. They are teenagers (well Zac has about another 3 weeks to go but really....).  They are creating their own digital footprint.  I don't want to embarrass them.

Having a brother with autism isn't easy.  But these two have handled it beautifully.  When B was first diagnosed we offered to find them a sibling support group.  They were not interested.  What was the big deal? We talked to them about people who want to cure autism and why we disagreed with that.  Zac brought me to tears with his response, "Then B wouldn't be B. Autism is a part of who is he is."

They love their brother deeply.  They are patient and kind to him.  But they bust on him too.  They get frustrated with him.  I suspect they don't have invite many people over because B thinks everyone is his friend.  B has been known to wake up their friends at 5 am and ask them to play with him.  One morning B woke me up and asked me to write a note that said "It's been a little while"  Zac's friend had told him he'd wake up and play with him "in a little while".

They know that having both parents at a game or program depends on how B's day went.  Or if mom and dad are both there, Nene (my momma) probably isn't because she's home with B.  They give up their time to watch B when I have a meeting or have to work during the summer because they know that's easier for B.

Vacations have been sticky with B.  He doesn't like to be away from home for long.  Sleeping is hard for him so sleeping in a hotel can been torturous.  Two summers ago we went to Chicago.  Chicago is Sam's favorite city.  B was a champ but we just could not be gone too long.  So there were things we didn't get to do. Sam took it in stride.

Last Spring Break, we went to Universal Studios to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  We were able to get B a disability pass so we didn't have to wait in long lines.  My favorite quote from that trip was "finally autism pays off" on our way to the front of the Gringotts line.  It kind of seems insensitive but it's true.  My boys deal with the hard parts of autism all the time and this was a simple thing that seemed to make it better.

Last week we went on a cruise with a whole herd of our friends.  We made the tough decision to leave B with Nene.  We knew a 7 day cruise would be a hard sale for B. It's hot and there's no wifi.  When he found out those two things, B wasn't interested in going.  We wanted the boys to have a week to do what they wanted without worrying about how it would effect B-man.  They had a great time with their buddies!

My Bigs aren't perfect.  They are flawed like all of us. They mess up plenty.  But I am so proud of the men they are becoming. They are learning to give of themselves for someone else.  They are learning it's ok to be different.  They are learning to love, warts and all.

EPIC parenting

I am a podcast junkie.  My podcast subscriptions cover a wide range of topics.  2 economic podcasts, 4 leadership podcasts, 1 daily devotional podcast, 1 social science podcast, 1 internet podcast, 1 business podcast and 1 podcast devoted to Hey Arnold! I even support two of these podcasts financially.

One of the leadership podcasts I listen to is EntreLeadership.  EntreLeadership is a Dave Ramsey product.  It's geared towards entrepreneurs.  I'm not an entrepreneur and I don't know why I started listening but I'm glad I did.

I want to share episode 149 with you today.  In the first half of the episode, Dr. Tim Elmore discusses Millennials.  It was fascinating.  Of course, it was mostly geared towards employers who will be hiring Millennials.  I loved that Dr. Elmore is very positive about Millennials.  He recognized that they do have some struggles (they are risk adverse) but he does a great job of highlighting the positives (confidence, enthusiastic).  But something he said has stayed with me.  He quoted Dr. Leonard Sweet saying that Millennials are EPIC

Experiential - they want to learn through doing
Participatory - they support what they help create
Image Rich - they love pictures
Connected - they yearn to discuss with others what they are learning

This has awesome implications for teachers but I want to think about how we can apply these EPIC principles to parenting.


Experiential - I love to talk.  I love public speaking.  But my boys are not going to learn as much from my words as they are from their own actions.  I have to let them fail and then walk them through what they can learn from their mistakes.  This doesn't mean that Ryan and I aren't providing rules and guidelines.  It simply means that I'm not trying to engineer everything to go in their favor.  They get to experiment.

Participatory - On the podcast Dr. Elmore reminds us that kids are used to being a part of the outcome.  Reality TV has them voting for who wins.   How can we incorporate this as parents? Let them participate in setting family rules.  "What days should we reserve for family dinners?"  "I'm good with either 10:30 or 11 pm as your curfew.  You can decide which one." This does not mean we are letting the inmates run the prison (and really, do you want your home to feel like a prison?).  We are getting their input but the bottom line decision makers are mom and dad.

Image Rich - Ain't it the truth? Instagram and Snapchat are their preferred social networks of the moment.  What do those platforms have in common? They're both image based.  I love to send the boys pictures of inspiring quotes or Bible verses.  What pictures could you use to remind them of your family's values?

Connected - Back to social media...it's their playground, their after school hang out.  They want to be connected to their friends.  In middle school and high school, kids are trying to figure out who they are.  They need feedback from their friends during this process.  They need you to lead them well in this area.  Check their social media and text messages.  Give them explicit instructions on what's acceptable and unacceptable. Model appropriate social media use for them.  Don't be afraid to set limits and stick to them.  If you institute a no cell phone policy at dinner, you have to stick to it too. That one has been hard for me.  I have instituted a no headphones rule in the car because I want to use that time to talk to and connect with the boys.  That means the onus is on me to start a conversation. Sounds easy enough, right? But many, many times, I'm lost in my own thoughts and I realize we are all just sitting there in silence.

What do you think?  What are some ways that we can parent these EPIC kids well?

You can subscribe to the EntreLeadership podcast here.
Dr. Elmore also has a podcast called Growing Leaders. You can subscribe to it here.

1460

Last Saturday, Sam and I got up early.  Early early.  On a Saturday.  The first Saturday of the summer.  For what?  For a football camp.  We are a football family. The boys play other sports but football is their passion.  And, lucky for us, football is king here in Texas.  I enjoy watching my boys play.  I love the work ethic they are learning.  I love their teammates. I love the way they are learning to encourage their teammates and push everyone to be their best.  I love watching Ryan coach them.  I love football!

So I was not that cranky about getting up early to go football camp at SMU.  And, as an added bonus, I didn't have to drive.  My nephew also attended camp so my brother-in-law drove.  Score!

I watched Sam work hard during the offensive line drills.  As much as I love football, I'm not well versed on the complexities of the game so I can not analyze Sam's performance.  He looked like he was hustling and holding his own.

At the end of camp there was a tour and recruitment information.  It was all very well done and I was super impressed with Chad Morris and his coaches.  Something he said has stuck with me.

There are 1460 days in 4 years. 

He went on to talk about how many days a kid can play football in college - 60 - and that you should choose a college based on the other 1400 days and not solely on the 60.

My eyes glazed over.  Sam is about to start his freshman year.  He has 4 years of high school left to live in our house full time.  1460 days.  Mini panic attack! I'm running out of time.  There are so many things I need to make sure he knows in these 1460 days.  And I'm not even talking about all the academic stuff he'll learn in high school.

I need him to know how to seek after God, even when it's not cool.
I need him to know how to be a gentleman, even when it's not fun.
I need him to know how to cook his own food and wash his own dishes. Oh, and his clothes! He has to take care of his clothes.
I need him to know when to stick with something even when it's hard.
I need him to know that you don't have to stick with everything. You can change your mind sometimes.
I need him to know how much we love him.

I could go on and on like this, there's so much I need to do in these 1460 days.  But I'm going to stop before I go into a full on panic attack.  I mean, for real, I'm tearing up.

I can calm down that because I know the One who holds those 1460 days.  I can give those days to the Lord.  He'll guide me.  He'll guide Ryan.  He'll guide Sam.  I'm sure those days are not going to be all fun and games, God never promised that.  But he does promise to never leave me or forget me.

So, instead of panicking about my measly 1460 days, I'm going to but them in God's hands. I'm going to be intentional about teaching all three of my boys what they need to know and let God handle the rest.  I'm going to be present and enjoy all 1460 of those days.

The only constant...

is change.  I've heard this a million times. I've said it a million times.  But I'm living it. Actually, we are all living it but things are changing around here.

As you know, I'm a momma of 3 boys, one of them an autistic 6 year old - Bman.  Lately I have had a tug on my heart for other mommas of autistic kiddos.  I want to be a resource for families.  I've had mommas come alongside me and love me.  I want to do the same for mommas of autistic kiddos.  I want them to know that they are not alone and that they are loved.  I'm not an expert but I am living smack in the middle of autism and I know how to love.

I don't know what this will end up looking like.  I am working on writing a Bible study for MAKs (Mommas of Autistic Kiddos).  I really don't know where to start.   But what I do know a couple of things 1. I love to write (and I think I'm okay at it ;).  2. people love to hear Bman stories.

So, that's where I'm starting.  I'm going to tell our stories - good, bad and indifferent.  I'm going to focus on our part of the story, not his school's part, not anyone else's part.  It's our life and our story.

I don't want to make this a place to complain or gripe.  I want to make this a place to tell our story, reflect on what we've learned, what we can do better and offer a support to other families.

Please join me in praying for God's direction in this endeavor.  Pray that he will guide my steps and to be of service to Him and families dealing with autism.

And if you know of any MAKs, send them my way!