Soak It In

Lately, I've become increasingly aware that our time as a family of 5 under the same roof is becoming short.  Sam is 3 1/2 years away from college.  Boy, that freaks me out.  I keep thinking of all the things we need to teach him before he lives out on his own.

Sunday night was a gift.  All 5 of us were downstairs in the kitchen and living rooms bustling around. Ryan was teaching Sam how to do his laundry.  B and I were making dinner.  I was making cookies for a group of my teachers who won a game last week.  Zac was wandering around, hanging out with us without a specific purpose.  Google home was playing music from Disney movies.  We were all singing. B was dancing.  We were all laughing together.

I tried to pause often to soak it in.

All five of us sat at the table to enjoy B's dinner of Crimson Chin-ken Nuggets from his Nickelodeon cookbook and green beans.  I can not remember what we talked about at dinner but I do remember just enjoying it.

After dinner, Sam and I were back in the kitchen. I was trying a recipe for healthy energy bites and finishing the winner's cookies.   Sam was making a skillet chocolate chip cookie.  He'd seen a video on it and asked me to get the ingredients when I was at the store earlier that day.

While the cookie cooked, we spread out but no one went to their room.  B and I were in the office. I was working on some Silhouette cutting projects, he was writing a book. A few minutes later, Sam came in to finish up his driver's test paperwork.  Ryan and Zac watched football.  Sam's cookie turned out wonderfully.  It was warm and gooey and I was so glad I'd gotten the vanilla ice cream.

Later, after everyone had gone to bed  and I was cleaning the kitchen I told Ryan, "This was the best. I had such a good time cooking, singing, and being silly as a family."

There were points in the night when I could have ruined it.  When B and I were cooking, he took his shirt off instead of just pushing up his sleeves.  I decided to roll with it.  When Sam started making his cookie, I resisted the urge to take over and do it my way. Those things are hard for me.  I love to cook and bake.  I love to have things my own way.  I could have told B to stop jumping up and down on the stool when he was dancing to Moana songs.  I could have told the boys that the music was too loud.  Ryan could have told us all to knock it off.

But none of those things happened.  And it was perfect.  We were perfectly silly and happy to be around each other.  And for that, I am thankful.

I know that everyone's life is busy but God has placed people in your life to love.  Today, try to put aside some of your 'to dos' and soak them in.  Pause a minute and watch them.  Enjoy them.

Visiting Santa

Visiting Santa and being autistic can be akin to oil and water. They just don't mix.  Just like other kids, autistic kids get scared of Santa.  However, B has always loved Santa.  We've had some times when he was scared but not any more than other kiddos.  Our trouble is the line.  B can not do lines.  Too long, too many people, too much!

Four years ago, I tried to take B to meet Santa at a sporting goods store. Their website wasn't very clear about the process and I thought Wednesday night would be a good time to go. I can't remember why it was just B & I but I suspect football had something to do with it.

The store is large and overwhelming in it's own right.  They deck the bottom level out like a Santa's workshop.  We managed to get through the store and to the back, bottom level.  The check in desk had a sign that said "No more tickets to see Santa".  When I spoke to the employee she told me I should have come at 2:30 (it was around 6 pm at this point) to get a ticket.  I asked, "So, there's no way to see Santa tonight?" Nope.

B freaked out "I can't see Santa? Have a been bad? Is that why he wouldn't see me?" We sat down in the middle of the floor, I cradled him and let him cry a minute.  When he was able to pull it together a bit, we left the store.  He was still so confused, wondering if he was a bad boy.

I was heartbroken.  Actually, I still am. I'm tearing up a bit typing this.  I felt guilty, had I understood the process better, we would not be in this situation.  When I got him into his car seat, I slumped in the front seat tears rolling down my face.  I whipped out my phone, let Ryan know what happened then posted to Facebook looking for Santas who made appointments.  We didn't find one that year but Mrs. Claus called B!



Last year, I discovered The Big Guy at The Villages of Fairview.  It was such an awesome experience.  Santa was awesome with B. B brought him a gift of a self created Lego toy.  Santa accepted it graciously.  I cried happy tears.



We continued the tradition this year.  Our appointment is the first after their dinner break so there is no line.  It was a friend affair this year as well - 4 kids and moms.  We checked in, waiting less than 5 minutes, then B was the first to visit with Santa.  After our friends visited, Santa got them all together for a group picture.  We topped off the evening with dinner at Twisted Root.

It's a bit of drive from our house but so worth it.  Santa is wonderful, patient and kind, as are the elves!  The whole process took 30 minutes, including purchasing pictures.  The pictures are wonderful and they video the visit. You don't have to anything but enjoy the experience.  I highly recommend it!

 

Thankful

Tomorrow's the big day! I love Thanksgiving. I mean, who doesn't? The main theme of the day is eating and hanging out with people you love.  Win - Win! In preparation, I want to share some things I'm thankful for...

Ryan - He's a good man. He never bats an eye when I say things like: "I'm going to buy 60 flour sack towels and set up an assembly line in the front room."

My boys - I could go on and on here. I'm so thankful to be their momma.  They also indulge most of my craziness with a smile.  And just when I think they aren't paying attention, they surprise me.

My momma and sister - The three of us are so much alike, sometimes it's scary.  They are both very strong women who have taught me so much about being a good momma and a good person.

Ryan's parents and siblings - My sister is 6 years older than me, our kids were not in the same phases of life at the same time.  Ryan's siblings are closer in age, our kids are the same ages.  It's so fun to do life with them.  We had a game night last night and I'm still smiling.

Friends - I've written about this before but it bears repeating - adult friendships are much harder than you think they'll be.  I'm so blessed to have friends who are easy.  And supportive.  And funny.

Music - I have little to no musical ability but I love music. I love to sing.  Right now I have Shane & Shane's Psalms Vol 2 and the Hamilton Soundtrack on a loop.  Two very different albums but they both fill me up.

Finally, I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus.  Just when I think it can't get any better, He surprises me. He never gives up on me, He teaches me something new every day and He always teaching me.  I am so thankful that I live in a country where I can study and praise openly.

Halloween Milestones

B thinks he's giving the peace sign
Zac as Benny "The Jet" Rodriquez
from The Sandlot

I love Halloween.  I'm not too big on dressing up but I do love to make Halloween food.  Last night I made these cute mummy pizzas.

But I really love Halloween with B man.  He never ceases to amaze me.  Like the year he couldn't say Trick or Treat but did say "Wow!" every time he got candy.

Last night he did it again.  We made it through trick or treating with no meltdown!  He got scared a couple of times.  Once he didn't go up to the house at all.  The other time he started up the walk but quickly ran back down.  When he was done he said, "I'm ready to go home".  So we went home.  I'm learning to listening to him.

He was also able to wear his costume to school yesterday and he stayed in it the entire day.  I packed clothes for him but he stayed in his costume!  I was shocked when he got to my school still dressed up!

B understands scary.  Scary costumes.  Scary decorations.  He does not understand stranger danger.  We started down a street in our neighborhood and he announced that he needed to use the restroom.  By the time B tells you he needs to go, it's almost too late.  I told him we would be at a friends' house soon and he could go there.  

He ran up to the next house.  When he didn't come back with the other kids, I walked up to the door.  B's goodie bag was sitting at the front door. The man at the front door said, "He asked to go to the bathroom. Want to come in and check on him?" He introduced himself.  I told him my name and tried to assured him that we lived in the neighborhood and were not complete weirdos.  When I walked in, I realized that B had not even bothered to close the bathroom door! And he came walking out of the bathroom, tugging up his pants, without washing up.  As I'm typing this, I realize I didn't check to see if he flushed.  Oh, please, dear LORD, let him have flushed.  I helped him wash his hands and say thank you.  We rushed out the door.

Thankfully, our neighbor was kind. But I did not know him. I knew of him. I taught his daughters but I had never met him before.  And B had definitely never met him.

These are the things that keep me up at night.  Will B ever realize that he can't trust everyone?  That not everyone is kind?  How do we teach him this without scaring him?

I am so thankful for the little bubble we live in.  People are so kind to him.  But I have to figure out how to teach him how to be more careful.  It's a daunting task.

Your Words Matter

OVER. IT. This is how I was feeling about high school and my high schooler last week.  I love him to death but seriously, I was over it.  And I was sure that I was the only bad momma feeling this way. Until Friday night.

Actually, let me back up to Thursday night.  We are at the boys' football games, away games.  The JV cheerleaders arrive and are getting ready for the game.  Two of the cheerleaders walk through the stands.  B stops them and starts taking pictures of one of the girls.  I know this young lady is a friend of Sam's but B has never met her.  She graciously smiles and poses for his photos.  He uses her photo in his app obsession o' the day - Disney Side.  Thankfully he made her into Snow White and not Jafar or Captain Jack Sparrow (which he did to other adults through out the night).  She smiles and giggles some nervous laughter and goes on about her way.

I was so touched by her kindness to B.  It's not that the kindness was out of character for her, she's a wonderful young lady.  It's just, who wants to be stopped by 8 year old paparazzi when you're trying to get ready to cheer?

Back to Friday night, it was Homecoming and I was having a blast handing out pom poms for our church.  The young lady's parents come by.  I stop them and tell them about the photos and how sweet their daughter was to B. The mom breaks out into a huge smile "Thank you! This is such a God thing because we were just talking about how awful she is!"  Her dad said, "We wondered if she was as mean to everyone else as she is to us!"  We laughed about the struggles of freshmen.  I told them how over Sambo I am.  They were shocked, "He's so sweet, just a big teddy bear!"

After our conversation ended and they went into the stadium I was left with this realization: Everybody is struggling.

We are all so busy staring in our own dramatic movie of our life that we forget that other people are staring in theirs as well.

Your words matter to someone who is struggling.  Your words can offer hope.  But we don't always know who needs our words.  You can't always tell when someone is desperately clinging to the last little bit of their rope.

You never know the hope your encouraging comment will give to someone else.  It was a little out of my comfort zone to talk to this mom.  We aren't super close. But I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her daughter's kindness.  And it turns out that she needed to hear my words as much as I needed to say them.

The flip side of speaking encouraging words is receiving them.  For me, this is much harder. I have been known to reply "I'm glad someone does" to people who tell me they love my boys.  I tend to blow off a nice comment, "oh they were just saying that."  Of course they were saying that, they meant to say that! Try to receive comments with the same spirit you offer them.

Today, step out of your comfort zone.  Give an encouraging word to someone, maybe even someone you don't normally talk to you.  Allow God to use you and your words today.

Ryan

On Monday Ryan and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  It seems hard to believe that we've been married that long.  Then I think about everything that has happened in those 18 years and I think it should be longer.

When we married I was the Director of Greek Life at the University of Texas at Dallas.  Ryan was a teacher and coach at Utley Middle School in Rockwall.  We both worked crazy hours but I loved it when we were home in a our small little apartment in Garland.  Gracious, that place was tiny!  I felt so grown up.  I was married, I had a good job. I shopped for groceries and fed my man. I was living the life.

Fast forward 18 years.  We have 3 awesome boys.  We have a beautiful home in a small town that we love.  Now I'm the teacher and Ryan is a salesman.  I still shop for groceries and feed my men.  I still love doing that. I always feel like I better momma and wife after a trip to Sam's Club.  My freezer and cabinets are full and ready to go.  But some how, I don't feel so grown up any more.

When we married I couldn't fathom doing something for 18 years in a row.  I thought by the time I've been married 18 years, I'll know everything about Ryan and life will be on autopilot.  The longer I live, the more I realize how little I know.  There are so many days that I feel like I'm 12 years old wondering what crazy person left me in charge of all this. I'm Elizabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting, in over my head.  Who decided that I knew how to raise a teenager, let alone 2? Who decided we could parent an autistic kid who already knows more than we do?

Then I pour this all out to Ryan and he says, "We got this." WE.  He and I.  We can do this.  We can't actually do it ourselves.  We rely on God for direction.  We rely on our families for support and advice.  But at the end of the day, God has trusted us with each other and these three young men.

He has always believed in me more than I believe in myself.  I'm writing this because of him, "Babe, I don't think you should give up on writing just yet." He leads me when I don't know where to go.  He supports just about every crazy idea I've ever had.  He rarely says "I told you so".  He's not perfect and neither am I. The difference is that we don't hold our weaknesses against each other.  We grow together.

I am so thankful for Ryan Bartis.  I'm glad we were both took Problems in Society in the summer of 1995.  I'm so glad Ana kept asking him questions to find out which KD Aimee what in his class.  I'm glad he said "I don't think we have to break up" when I announced I was going to graduate school at A&M and I'd see him later.  But most of all, I praise God every time he looks at me and says "We got this."

My Next 40 Years

I turned 42 this summer.  I have a great family, awesome jobs and amazing friends.  But I still end up wondering, "is this really what God wants me to be doing right now? " Some days I feel like I'm on the cusp of something, being prepared for a grand adventure into what God really wants me to do with my life.  Then I'll remember that I'm 42.  I'll think "Shouldn't I be grown up by now?  Shouldn't I be doing whatever it is God wants me to do with my life by now?  Have I failed?"

I love the Old Testament.  It is filled with stories of people screwing up God's promises and God redeeming them anyway.  Of course there is a lot of God punishing people for their screw ups but still, there's redemption.  Don't get me wrong, I love, Love, LOVE Jesus.  I'm so thankful he came to replace the law that the Old Testament folks couldn't keep.  I am so thankful that my salvation is based on Jesus' sacrifice and grace and not on my ability to keep the law.  I would fail so miserably at keeping the law.  Oh, I'd work super hard at it but then someone would make me mad and I'd be in trouble all over again.

Yesterday I started reading Exodus.  Exodus 1 details Pharaoh's plan to kill all the male babies born to the Israelites.  But God used the midwives to save the babies.  Then in Exodus 2 we read about  how Moses' sister and mother saved him.   And not only did they save him, he ended up as Pharaoh's grandson.  I love God's ways, he has such an awesome sense of humor.

What caught my eye and attention this morning were the headings in Exodus 2.  The first heading says Moses' first forty years.  Under that heading is the story of how Moses' was saved as a baby.  The next heading is Moses' second forty years.  Under that heading is the story of Moses killing an Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew, hiding the body and then running away from Pharaoh who wanted to kill him.  Not a very mature leader.

Wow! When Moses was in his 40s God was still preparing him for what was to come.  Is it possible that God is still preparing me for what He has in store for me?  LORD, I hope so! I understand that people in the Old Testament lived much longer than we do today.  I'm not a Bible scholar so I don't know if they really lived so much longer or if they had shorter years or what.  I'm not really concerned with that.

My point is that God provides hope in the strangest of places.  This morning it was through 2 headings in the Bibles.  Headings that were probably added by men many years after Exodus was written.  But still God used those headings to give me hope.  To speak to me and reassure that the best is yet to come.  To let me know that He is always in control.  He is preparing a way for me.  He is preparing me for the way.  God has big things planned for my next 40 years.  I can't wait.

Out of My Depth

What do you do when you're out of your depth?  I mean seriously in over your head?

Being a technology teacher, I'm frequently out of my depth with new technologies.  For example, I took on video announcements this year.  Our school had never done them.  I was comfy with Google Hang Outs on Air.  Then Google discontinued them and the new solution was very complicated.  No problem, I took to YouTube and figured most of it out.  I do have one lingering problem but I'm working on it.

With the older boys, I have plenty of friends who have boys their ages and older.  I have my mom and sister to get advice from as well.  I can send a text or make a phone call and get good solid advice in a matter of minutes.

But, as usual, B man is a different story.  I have a few friends who have autistic kids but every autistic kid is so different so that's hard.  The past few weeks I've become convinced that I will VERY quickly be out of my depth with B man.

Sunday morning he asked Sam, "Sam do you know the 3 types of irony?" Then proceeded to teach us the three types of irony.   Of course, I learned something.  B loves to watch TED-Ed.  That's where he learned about irony and figurative language.  He apparently also learned about Ghandi.  On the way to Michael's (to get resin because every 8 year old needs resin) Saturday I was listening to a podcast in the car, I think it was Science vs. Zika (yes, I'm that nerdy).  When it was over, he said "Can we listen to one about Ghandi?"  I asked him what he knew about Ghandi.  "He was brown and he was a peacemaker. He lived in India."

Blown. A. Way.

I searched iTunes for a podcast about Ghandi.  As we listened to it, I wondered...how long before he asks me about something I know nothing about? Perhaps tomorrow.  But definitely by the end of next week.

What does he know? What's inside that brain? How smart is he?  We have no idea.  He has not been able to handle any testing situation he's ever been in.  His original testing at Children's.  His 3 year re-evaluation.  I think he actually hit one of the ladies testing him then.  Occupational Therapy evaluation last week - he ran out of the office, out of the building and into the parking lot.

It's hard to know when he'll out run us.  I have no idea what we'll do when we get there.  But I know the One who knows.  All I can do is keep praying.  Keep asking the LORD to steer me in the right direction.  Keep praying for wisdom to be the best momma for all three of my boys.  Keep listening to the people he brings me.

Bulletproof

I woke up at midnight last night (when you go to bed at 9:30 that is the middle of the night) hungry for apples and peanut butter and singing a song.  "Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give thanks to the Holy One. Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, his Son."  As I ate my snack, I reflected on all the things I have to be thankful for.

• A God who loves me 
• A God who is accessible to me
• A husband who loves me and our boys 
• A husband who works hard
• My boys
• Their, sometimes, gentle spirit and tender hearts
• Their silly ways
• The rest of our family
• The ability to create and share my creations with others

I could go on and on.  I have so much to be thankful for! I was so grateful that God had woken me up to remind me of all my blessings.

Last night on Speechless (the best show I've seen in a looooonnnngggg time), the dad told the middle son that he was bulletproof.  He explained that after being told his first son was disabled and would not be able to do certain things, nothing else could phase him.  I loved that thought.

I am bulletproof because of Jesus Christ.  Because he sacrificed himself, willingly gave himself up for my sins, I am bulletproof.  I will have trials in this world, the Bible makes this clear, but nothing can touch me.  I am a child of God.

But the real question is...do I live like I'm bulletproof?  Do I live like I am thankful for everything God has give me?  The answer is sometimes.  Sometimes life gets me down and I flounder around not knowing what to do.  Other times when my heart breaks, I run straight to God and pour it out to Him and accept his grace and healing.

Today I will remember that I am bulletproof. Today I will be thankful to the One who made me bulletproof.