Square Pegs

Square pegs...the short lived Sarah Jessica Parker TV show or people who don't fit in?  Usually my first thought when I hear the term is SJP.  I loved that show.  I spent my high school years in the middle.  I wasn't super popular nor was I tortured for not fitting in.  I just kind of floated along. It was a great experience.  To tell the truth, when I look back on my time in school, I don't remember being too worried about fitting in.  I can remember REALLY wanting a Swatch watch and Guess jeans but I don't recall feeling like I had to work overtime to try to fit in.  I was pretty comfortable with who I was, as I recall.

That's what I want for my boys. I want them to be comfortable with who they are. I want them to feel secure in the fact that GOD created them on purpose, for a purpose and in his own image.  

Yesterday, two sweet friends posted an article on Facebook titled, 5 ways to damage autistic children without even knowing.  It's well written by a former teacher who has Asperger's. In the article, the author recognizes that all children can be damaged in these same ways but it is especially prevalent for autistic kiddos.   

I think B first became aware of the word autism when we went to Universal Studios a few years ago.  While inside the park, we used a disability pass to avoid waiting in long lines and to get him a stroller.  Both things helped him enjoy the park more and we were grateful for the accommodation.  Two mornings of our trip we had early morning breakfasts in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Both mornings, B struggled.  I would hold him and try to sooth him as we stood in line for breakfast. Both mornings people would comment.  Both mornings my momma got mad.  She wanted people to stay out of our business.  I didn't mind telling people that B was autistic and a little overwhelmed.  I have never wanted to hide his autism from him or others. I want to help people understand him better.

During the trip, we were walking to dinner when B asked "What is autism?"  My eyes grew wide and Ryan and I exchanged a look.  We weren't really prepared for this. We hadn't discussed what we would say.  After a minute of thinking, I told B "Autism just means that your brain works differently.  It's not the same as other people's brains." 

You can image my heartbreak when B then asked me, "Is autism bad?" I immediately told him "NO! Autism makes you awesome!"  We want B to be comfortable with who he is.  Autism is a part of who he is.  It's not all of him but it's an important part.  

Autism can make B seems like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  

Right now, it's my job to guard against B being damaged by other people trying to fit him into a round hole. That's every parent's job, really, to protect their kiddos.  It's also my job to teach him to protect himself.  Yes, he will need to learn to advocate for himself.  

I am not saying that anyone is currently trying to damage my square peg.  But I am on my guard, on the lookout.  No one is going to damage my peg, if I can help it!

Soak It In

Lately, I've become increasingly aware that our time as a family of 5 under the same roof is becoming short.  Sam is 3 1/2 years away from college.  Boy, that freaks me out.  I keep thinking of all the things we need to teach him before he lives out on his own.

Sunday night was a gift.  All 5 of us were downstairs in the kitchen and living rooms bustling around. Ryan was teaching Sam how to do his laundry.  B and I were making dinner.  I was making cookies for a group of my teachers who won a game last week.  Zac was wandering around, hanging out with us without a specific purpose.  Google home was playing music from Disney movies.  We were all singing. B was dancing.  We were all laughing together.

I tried to pause often to soak it in.

All five of us sat at the table to enjoy B's dinner of Crimson Chin-ken Nuggets from his Nickelodeon cookbook and green beans.  I can not remember what we talked about at dinner but I do remember just enjoying it.

After dinner, Sam and I were back in the kitchen. I was trying a recipe for healthy energy bites and finishing the winner's cookies.   Sam was making a skillet chocolate chip cookie.  He'd seen a video on it and asked me to get the ingredients when I was at the store earlier that day.

While the cookie cooked, we spread out but no one went to their room.  B and I were in the office. I was working on some Silhouette cutting projects, he was writing a book. A few minutes later, Sam came in to finish up his driver's test paperwork.  Ryan and Zac watched football.  Sam's cookie turned out wonderfully.  It was warm and gooey and I was so glad I'd gotten the vanilla ice cream.

Later, after everyone had gone to bed  and I was cleaning the kitchen I told Ryan, "This was the best. I had such a good time cooking, singing, and being silly as a family."

There were points in the night when I could have ruined it.  When B and I were cooking, he took his shirt off instead of just pushing up his sleeves.  I decided to roll with it.  When Sam started making his cookie, I resisted the urge to take over and do it my way. Those things are hard for me.  I love to cook and bake.  I love to have things my own way.  I could have told B to stop jumping up and down on the stool when he was dancing to Moana songs.  I could have told the boys that the music was too loud.  Ryan could have told us all to knock it off.

But none of those things happened.  And it was perfect.  We were perfectly silly and happy to be around each other.  And for that, I am thankful.

I know that everyone's life is busy but God has placed people in your life to love.  Today, try to put aside some of your 'to dos' and soak them in.  Pause a minute and watch them.  Enjoy them.

Control vs. Growth

I'm a huge fan of podcasts.  EntreLeadership is one of my favorites.  It's geared towards entrepreneurs, which I am not.  I'm too risk adverse.  Each episode has an interview with a guest and most are about personal improvement.  I learn something new every time.

The EntreLeader year end episode replays portions of favorite episodes from the year.  It's a great way to see if you'd like the podcast and is well worth your time.  My favorite portion of the episode was Craig Groeschel.  The theme of the episode was delegation.  Here's my favorite quote

Groeschel was, of course, talking about controlling employees but it really made me think of controlling my boys.  Especially since I'm still working on my control issue related to Sam driving.

No one wants their kids to be out of control.  You have to maintain some control.  I'd rather think of it as providing boundaries than control.

When you try to control everything they do, you rob them of opportunities to learn.  A great example of this is clothing.  I'm a boy mom so I don't have the same issues with clothing as girl moms do.  The main issue we have around here is wearing shorts and hoodies when it's cold outside.  My boys seem to think that a hoodie equals a coat.  If it's really cold, they'll throw on some leggings that they usually wear to under uniforms.  Drives me crazy.  But, I let it go (mostly, I do make fun of them a little bit).  I let them learn for themselves when they need more clothes.  I do provide boundaries when we're going to be outside in the cold, like at a football game. I will tell them to put on more clothes then.  But for school, they get to choose.

If I limit my boys to only experiences I've had or I'm comfortable with, I steal opportunities from them.  Take football. I've never played football before.  It's a very physical game.  I was very concerned the first time Sam played.  Then I saw how much he loved it.  And I saw the benefits of the time he spent with Ryan and other men.  It was easier to let Zac play because I'd see the benefits with Sam.

When Zac was younger he wanted to be a chef so I'd let him help me cook. This was a real area of control with me. I love to cook and bake and it's hard to share that with someone.  I can remember one time when Zac was cooking us dinner.  He wanted to make a frittata.  It took forever - he's earned the nickname Pokey Puppy!  I so badly wanted to jump in and finish it and eat dinner. Instead, I sat on the couch.  When dinner was finally ready, it was delicious - worth the wait!

B really tests this.  He wants to do things I know will lead to meltdowns.  Birthday parties for example are very difficult for him.  But I don't want to keep that experience from him and I want to teach him that friends are important.  I do exercise more control in those case though.  We almost always arrive late so there's less time to be overwhelmed.

B is interested in so many things I know nothing about.  I have to work really hard to let him explore those things even though I don't understand.  I try to look for ways for him to connect with other people who do know what they're doing.  I have been known to tell him, "you're just 8, you'll learn this as you grow up." I really want to stop saying that to him.  I don't want to limit him because I think he's too young or I don't know anything about the subject.

What areas of control can you open up to growth?

Scared

My oldest son Sam, recently turned 16. We were able to get him a nice used truck.  He's very excited about it.  

I am scared to death.  

It's a good truck.  He's a good driver, he's completed driver's education and the practice driving  He received a backup camera as a combo birthday and Christmas gift from some sweet and generous family members.  Logically, everything is good to go.  

My stomach knows no such logic.  

Christmas night he drove us to and from my in laws.  He did a great job.  As he was pulling into the neighborhood, I realized that in a week or so he'd be able to drive without Ryan or I in the car.  I almost had a full on panic attack.  

It will be ok, I reasoned.  I'll only let him drive to school and back for the first few months.  That'll work.  Oh, what about church? No problem, he can drive to school and church only.  But what if he wants to go to Chick Fil A after church?  Maybe the one up by the mall, that might be alright if there's not a lot of traffic.  But the one in Forney, NO WAY! He'd have to get on the highway - AT NIGHT!! 

You get the idea, my crazy was spiraling out of control.  

How will he do if Ryan and I aren't there to remind him?  How long before I get that faithful phone call, "Momma, I've had a wreck"?  My mind went wild with assorted crash craziness. This was not a passing thing.  I brought it inside and played with it for a while.  I was edge and cranky.  

Then I remembered something my pastor Randy Wade says, "If you can control everything why do you need GOD?"  If I can care for Sam and protect him all on my own, why does he need a Heavenly Father?  

How does that work, exactly?  How do I stop being in control? I how do I trust GOD to care for my boys?  

Most of us have heard 1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

Wouldn't it be nice if that was a one time thing? I was anxious about Sam driving a few nights ago, I prayed about it and now it's all good.  That's not how it works.  Right this minute, I'm taking deep breaths because just writing about all this has stirred my anxiety.  It's a minute to minute thing.  Praying as soon as the knots start forming in my stomach.  Preemptive prayer.

That's how GOD works. He's a jealous GOD. He doesn't want a one and done relationship with us.  He was a minute by minute reliance.  Maybe He's using Sam driving to pull me closer to him.  To teach me to rely on him minute by minute.  I'll try to be a quick study.  

All Behavior is Communication

This is a tough lesson to learn.  With my two older boys I usually sought to first correct their behavior.  I didn't try to figure out what they were trying to tell me by their behavior.  Then our Bman entered the scene.   

B did not speak until he was 3.  He didn't have many gestures to try to get get our attention or point us in the right direction.  And he refused to learn sign language.  I wish I had videoed some of those speech therapy sessions when the therapist tried to teach him.  He straight up wanted nothing to do with her or her hands.

Because he couldn't speak, I had to learn to search his behavior.  Sometimes it was easy.  We'd be driving down the road and a bottle would fly into the front seat.  He was finished drinking.  Or I'd get hit by the bottle and he'd start crying - he wanted more.

At times this was nerve wracking.  Alright, I'll be honest 90% of the time this was nerve wracking.  I used to carry this large blue backpack full of stuff that might make B happy.  I'd also pack extra stuff for other kids to play with so they wouldn't touch whatever was B's favorite thing at that moment.

I can remember being at one of Sam's football games, not able to sit with B in the stands.  He was too disruptive, he would bother people trying to watch the game.  So we found a spot by the fence where I could see part of the game, if I was able to take my eyes off B.  I dumped out the bag.  This day he wanted Mr. Potato Head.  Awesome, I had a huge MPH set in the magic bag.  Some little boys come over and they want to play with some cars B had.  Awesome, he wasn't interested in those.  The boys sat down and started playing with the cars.

B is usually pretty good with parallel play (this is a fancy term in the autism world that just means he plays with something while sitting by a kid playing something else. They don't play together.). This day, he's not having it. He wants MPH and the cars.  But he doesn't want to play with the cars. He just doesn't want the other kids to have them.  I tell him we have to share.  He's still not having it.  Screaming starts.  I give the boys the cars and send them back in the stands to play with them. I try to comfort B, telling him it's nice to share with our friends and look at all the awesome things he can do with Mr. Potato Head. As soon as the boys are out of his sight, MPH because interesting again and the episode is over.

Life seemed to drag on during this time. I was always on edge, trying to anticipate what make B happy next.  Trying to cut a meltdown off at the pass.  We didn't eat out during this time.  If he food came and was too hot he'd throw it and wouldn't eat anything for the rest of the day.  But I started to figure it out.  I started asking waitresses to wait until his food was cold before bring it out.  Bring out everyone else's then bring his cold, please, it will make life easier for everyone, I promise.

Learning to read behavior has helped me be a better mother, teacher, servant and friend.  When something isn't going right, I try to think "What is this person trying to tell me with their behavior?"  It works with special needs kids, neurotypical kids and adults of all stripes as well.

It's another gift that autism has given me, the reminder that people speak through words and actions.  I've learned to believe people's actions before I believe their words.  It might seem silly for a writer to say but words have become less important. Actions are a more reliable indicator of character than words.  

Losing It

Lest you, dear reader, think that I've got it all together, I am here to report that I lost it tonight (Monday).  Several stressors added up to my 'episode'.  Among them...

• jury duty (thankfully I wasn't chosen)
• rear ending a lady on my way home from jury duty (for real, when the light is green we move)
• teenage boys
• teaching a teenage boy to drive
• pressures at work
• feeling like I'm not good enough
• a dog who will not leave me alone.  Mark my words, I'm going to trip over that dog and break my arm
• living with a kiddo who's imagination is faster than his hands.  "Momma, cut this out" "Momma, glue this"
• living with a kiddo who loves to make things from recycled materials - my house is a mess
• allergy/sinus troubles
• 2 day old headache

And then I think I had a hot flash. I swear, I was sweating and no one else was hot.  I hate to sweat.  I went to change my clothes and ended up dumping all this on Ryan. And then I cried.  Then I took 2 Advil and finished cleaning up the kitchen and living room.  Taking a bath and listening to music helped calm me.  

Now it's Tuesday morning and as I look back over this list, I realize many of those things are blessings. I love my boys. I love B's imagination.  I'm thankful to have a job.  I'm thankful to live in America and to participate in our democracy.  And I know that lots of those stressors are made worse by the last two.  This song always helps me re-center.  I've got it on repeat right now.  

Sleep

Do you get enough sleep?  If you are momma with birds still in the nest, I'm gonna guess the answer is no.  My answer is no.  I can never seem to get enough sleep.

The first time I was pregnant many different people gave me this advice "When the baby sleeps, you sleep." 15, almost 16 years, later I still follow this advice.  The boys say goodnight and I'm not far behind them.

For a while, this was absolute necessity.  B would not sleep through the night.  He has always had trouble staying asleep.  Some nights we'd have a 2 hour interlude between naps.  I never knew when I would get a full night's sleep.  So, if he was asleep, I was asleep.  In the past year it's gotten better but I still don't feel like like I get enough sleep.

When I wake up in the mornings I do my devotional and spend some time writing.  Then I get back in bed for a 15 minute cat nap.  My day hinges on those 15 minutes.  If I don't get them, the day is not as smooth.

People have told me "If you work out you'll feel so full of energy.  You wouldn't feel like you need a nap all the time." This has not worked out.  When I am working out, I do feel better. But I always want a nap.

There is no better place than my bed.  My sheets are perfect. My pillow is perfect.  The noises in my room are perfect.  I'm sleepy right now thinking about it.

Years ago, my brother in law told me he used to think I was lazy because I was always talking about wanting to take a nap. But then he realized I went 90 to nothing while I was awake and he thought my nap was justified.  It's true.  When I get up in the morning I think "what has to be accomplished before I can get back in this bed". Then I go full force getting things done so I can get back in my hermit hole.

After 40 plus years, I've finally just accepted that this is how God made me.  He made me to love and need sleep.  And I'm learning to structure around it.  Like my 15 minutes every morning.  Or Sundays, I schedule my Sundays so I have time for a nap.  I can get through Saturday without a nap but Sunday without a nap does not make for a great week.

I think that's what I like about getting older. Accepting myself.  Knowing myself.  There are a lot of things I'm still trying to figure out about myself.  But there are a few things I know for sure.  And when I honor those, life goes that much smoother.

What have you figured out about yourself? What's a little quirk that you love about yourself? What's something you do that makes life go smoother?

The Strength to Love

I woke up this morning with this prayer on my mind - LORD, give me the strength to love.

What does that mean?  Does it take strength to love?

Hollywood would have you believe that it does not take strength to love.  That love is the most natural thing there is. You fall in love and live happily ever after.  Maybe that's why there's so many divorces among celebrities.  They think that love should be easy. And when it stops being easy, they bail out.

But that's not real life.  God never promises us a life of ease.  The apostle Paul certainly does not model a life of ease for us.  He is beaten, shipwrecked and imprisoned for love.  He loved people so completely that he was willing to do the hard things God called him to do.  Living in community with people is hard work, sometimes.  It requires all kinds of love.

As a parent, one of the ways I show love it to hold my boys accountable to certain standards.  They need to maintain their grades, they need to keep their rooms relatively clean, they need to treat themselves and others a certain way.

I'm sure sometimes my 'love' seems like nagging and nitpicking to them.  They want to do things one way and I want it done another.  Usually, they want the easy way and I want the right way.  I often say to them "is it done your way or the momma way?" The momma way is a pain in the butt for them sometimes.  It requires more of both of us.  I have to set my expectation, model it and hold them accountable.  They have to work to meet that expectation.  It's much easier to let them do what they want. But then I'm not teaching them to work hard and strive for a standard of excellence.  God has not called me to raise happy kids.  He's called me create strong adults who love Him, themselves and others.  That takes effort. It doesn't just happen.

And, to be honest, some days, I'm too tired to put in the effort.  I'd rather just lay on the couch and read.  But then we both suffer.  Last week, I let B spend the evenings creating and building.  We never studied his spelling words.  Consequently, he got a 58 on his spelling test.  I didn't do my job.  It's my job to teach him good study habits.  This is the first year he's had spelling tests.  I can't expect him to remember to study and to take care of it himself, yet.  I have to do my part to emphasize the importance of good study habits.  I have to teach him to balance his projects/creation with his school responsibilities.

With the older boys it's not as hands on but it is just as constant.  I don't have to sit down and study with them anymore. It's more asking them questions about their school work.  It's helping them get and stay organized. I've already but in the some of work, they know the drill, they just need a push or reminder.

Yes, I do need the strength the love.  I need the strength to put forth the effort to pour into relationships.  I need the strength to lead, ask questions and maintain certain standards.  I need strength to do the things that God has called me to do.

The wonderful silver lining is that God is always willing to give me that strength.  I need only ask.

DIY with B, part 3

First we had the epic lollipop fail that actually turned out ok, then we had the spectacular cereal.  This morning I give you B's Pokemon environment DIY.  This one was all him.  I didn't do anything for this one.  I'll let him tell you about it.




He actually started this one at church Sunday morning.  But that one didn't go the way he wanted.  He found a stick outside and tried to glue it to the paper so it would stand up like a tree. He worked on the felt version Monday after school.  I recorded the video Tuesday morning before school. He's still in his PJs but he was hard at work finishing his project.

There are so many things that frustrate B.  Many times he get upset when things don't work the way he thinks they should.  While he was working on these three projects, he did get frustrated. But he persevered.  And the failures taught him to do something different.  He couldn't make his stick tree stand up on the first version.  On the second felt version, he put a rock behind the tree to make it stand.

But this is really true for all of us, I think.  We learn more from doing that from watching. And if we'll let ourselves, we can learn a ton from failing.  B can't stand to fail, like so many of us.  It irritates him to no end and sometimes causes a meltdown.  But when I walk along side him through his failure, he'll let me teach him something.  And he is always teaching me things!  These projects were a good reminder to me that I need to let him try more, fail more and encourage him to try again.

Communication with B

B-man is quite verbal.  It's actually kinda hard to get him to be quiet.  Sometimes he's chattering away and he's not talking to anyone in particular.

This was not always the case.  At one time I told our doctor "He has 2 words - Daddy for Ryan and Dada for me." Only to be told, that's only one word.  Communicating with B then was difficult.  I never knew for sure what he wanted.  If we were in the car and he finished his bottle or a sippy cup and wanted more, he threw the cup at the back of my head.  I used to carry a huge backpack full of things he might want, plus toys for other kids to play with so they wouldn't try to play with his special toys. I was constantly trying to guess what he might want or need. It was exhausting.

The summer he turned 3 he had an explosion of language.  It was like a switch flipped.  He was talking a lot more all of a sudden.  But, as I listened, I realized he wasn't saying much.  He was mainly repeating what he's heard us say, or lines from a movie, or parts of a YouTube video.

This is still B's main communication method.  He reuses things he's heard. Lately, most of his lines are from YouTube videos.  It's called echolalia.  I'm not real thrilled with Google's definition of what it is but here it is...

As you can see in the definition, it's common for kids learning to talk.  And that's the key. B has mastered the skill of talking.  However, he's still struggling with the art of communication. 

He can't always tell you why something is bothering him.  He can't give us details of his day.  Although, I will say this has gotten better but there are still holes.  

But what he can do is use lines from YouTube videos and movies and from us to try to express himself.  This is sometimes called scripting.  Many autistic people have scripts that they repeat over and over.  B-man doesn't do this.  So, it makes it difficult to tell if he's repeating something he's heard or not.

When we went to meet his teachers last week, he had his Tsum-Tsums with him.  One of the teachers asked what they were, she had never seen them.  He launched into a Tsum-Tsum commercial.  He even changes the tone of his voice to match the tone of the commercial. There was no mistaking that he was repeating a commercial.  It was so cute.

On the first day of school, he told me "I'm nervous and excited all at once."  I was blown away.  He had never expressed himself like that before.  He was right on target.  He had watched some videos on YouTube kids about emotions.  And he applied what he learned to himself.  I almost cried.  I was able to tell him that those emotions were right on target, that's how most people feel on the first day of school.

I try to remember, and I try to remind others, that just because B is talking, doesn't mean he's communicating. For me this means, that I still have to ask the adults at school to fill in the holes of his day.  It means that they need to call me to ask why I think he reacted a certain way in a certain situation.  It sometimes means waiting a while to try to process things with him.  Sometimes he can tell me later about a situation that he couldn't express in the moment.  

Whatever it means, we are willing to do it. We want to know what he's thinking and feeling, even if he's recycling the words from a video.  I want to know what's going on in that awesome little mind of his.  I suspect I'd get more than I bargained for.  

Hurting

Sunday night we took the boys out to eat as a kind of end of summer celebration.  At one point I looked around and no one was talking.  I had already asked them questions about the upcoming school year and gotten short answers, so I didn't want to keep asking questions and feel like I was grilling them.  It was hurtful.  I felt like a bad mom.  Look at my family sitting here in silence while families all around us were talking and laughing.  What am I doing wrong?

The boys did eventually start talking.  But I couldn't shake the bad mom feeling.  So, I decided to do something I got from my sister in law, who got it from another friend of ours.  I decided to do a prayer journal with each one of them.

Once they were in bed, I went into their room and sat with them.  I asked them for 3 things they were thankful for and 3 things they were worried about (I modified for B - 1 worry and 2 thankful).  I wrote the things in the journal then we prayed.

Wow! I got more than I bargained for.  More than I had expected.

At dinner I had thought, "Do they even like each other?" During our prayer time I found out they are all thankful for our family.  I was also touched that both the older boys are faithful for their faith.  Their thankfulness encouraged me.

I also found out the things that are hurting my boys' hearts.  And it crushed me.  I cried with them. I prayed with them and I held them close.  After the last boy I sat on the stairs crying and praying. I was so overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do to ease their pain. I'm not sure how to help them.  This had done nothing to relieve my feelings of being a bad mom.  I crawled into my bed and fell asleep praying and crying.

All I can do is pray and ask God to guide Ryan and I.  Ask Him to lead us as we lead them.  This verse was in my reading this morning:

There's not always a way to fix things right this minute.  But, I can stand firm in my faith.  Keep praying.  Keep asking God to lead my boys.  Keep begging Him to lead Ryan and I.

But the bottom line is: let all that you do be done in love.  I have to lead from a place of love.  I have to show them how to live in love even when you're hurting.  We all know the adage, "Hurt people hurt people." I don't want the things that are worrying or hurting my boys to lead them to hurt others. I want them to operate from love.

So, today I pray, "LORD, help me to lead my boys in love.  Let them do all things out of love."

First Day, 2016

Yesterday was the first day of school for the 2016-2017 school year.  For those of you keeping score at home, I now have a 9th grader, a 7th grader and a 2nd grader.  That's one on each campus in our district.

I dropped Sam and B off at football practice and morning program, respectively, yesterday morning and walked into the middle school alone.  Zac works out on Monday mornings so Ryan brought him later.  It was odd to walk into my school alone.  I only saw Zac by accident in the late afternoon.  I had to talk to his English/Language Arts teacher and got to catch a glimpse of him in class.

Emotionally, it was a strange day for me.  I wondered what B and Zac were doing through out the day but I wasn't worried about them.  I was worried about Sam the most. High School can be a scary place.  I wondered if he was able to get to all his classes.  The HS is on a block schedule so I prayed that he went to the right classes.

I heard from Sam around lunch because I had texted him to let him know there was money in his lunch account.  He reported that the morning was "alright" and said thank you when I told him to have a good afternoon.  He's a man of few words...

Towards the end of my day, I received this awesome text from B's teacher.  It was such a relief.  I knew he was happy if he was able to make something.  I didn't realize how much I missed him until I got her text.  I was anxious to hear how the day went.


I have to say, the afternoon/evening was the strangest part of the day.  B & I came home together.  Then Ryan came home. Then Zac came home from middle school football practice.  Then Ryan left to go coach 2nd grade football (the team that B's supposed to be on but he's not...).  Finally, Sam got home from high school football practice.  We were not all home together until 8:30 when Ryan got back from football practice.  And even then, Zac was asleep.

The evenings will be the biggest adjustment for me this year, I think. Dinner will be more grab and go.  I'm going to have to work hard to keep making dinner.  Sometimes I don't cook if it's just B and I.  We eat PB & J.  But that's not ok for Ryan and the Bigs.  I'm going to have to get used to them eating at different times.  And alone.

How was your first day back?  What adjustments will you need to make this year?

Thank you, JCPenney

This past Sunday morning, I was able to take B-man shopping for back to school clothes at JCPenney.  This may not seem remarkable but it truly was!

A friend shared this announcement on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and I was so excited! I RSVPed for B-man, my momma (Nene) and I to go.  I was so impressed when Cydya Thomas emailed back.  Her title is Sr. Specialist Inclusion and Diversity.  JCPenney has employees focused on inclusion and diversity.  I thought that was awesome!

We would have to miss worship service that morning but we'd make it in time for small group if all went well.

And it did!!

We got there a little before 9 am.  The store opened right on time at 9.  There were employees to greet us in a friendly, nonthreatening way.  They had donuts, water and fruit snacks available.  They made sure to note on a sign that the fruit snacks were gluten free for those who have sensitivities.

No music was playing in the store.  About half of the lights were off.  It was very calming.  I had never realized how distracting all that was.  B, Nene and I went straight for the little boys section.

B picked out one shirt and he was done.  He laid down on the floor.  I kept shopping.  Ordinarily, I'd be trying to get him off the floor but this morning was different. I knew the other shoppers in the store would not care that B was on the floor.  So I let him lay there.

Nene and I picked out some things that we knew he'd wear, mostly t-shirts and athletic shorts.  I offered him some things that I thought were cute but not his usual, like some plaid shorts, and was rejected.  I did get him to try on a zip up sweatshirt.  He didn't want it at first but once he tried it on, he reported that it was 'nice and cozy'. I let him pick out two silly t-shirts.  They both have cats on them.  I am not a cat person.  I blame my neighbor Lori for these shirts.  ;)

I was so happy to buy two goofy cat shirts, though.  Ordinarily, we would not have made it to that part.  B would have melted down, I would have felt anxious, we would have left with one or two things that I grabbed off the first rack I saw.  If we bought anything at all.  Also, I would have been sweaty, and embarrassed.

Instead, I left calm, cool and collected.  B has several new pairs of shorts, t-shirts, underwear and socks.  Because JCPenney decided to think differently about their customers, we were blessed.  JCPenney gave me the luxury of time, comfort and two goofy cat shirts.  And I am so thankful.

When Autism Punched Me in the Face, quite literally

Gymnastics didn't go so well last week.  I knew B-man was out of sorts all day.  I tried to protect him from himself but he wasn't having it.

He loves to be around friends.  The trouble is that he's not always able to handle the interaction.  He gets overloaded.  I wanted him to stay home that day and rest.  He wasn't having it.

He and his friend had a confrontation and he came home upset.  He laid down.  Finally! When it was time to get ready for gymnastics I went to check on him, thinking he'd be asleep.  No such luck.  And he wanted to go to gymnastics.  I agreed.

He actually did pretty well for most of the time.  I think he was 45 minutes in when he lost it.  He stormed over to the parent's area, crying.  He crawled into my lap.  I tried to comfort him, soothe him.  He was too upset.  When he gets that way, my words are not helpful.  I try not to talk, I just hold him tight and rock him.  He wasn't having it.

He cried.  He screamed.  He punched me in the face.  I worked to restrain him, pull him tight.  Give him some deep pressure sensory input.

He jumped out of my lap.  He screamed "I'm leaving!" He stormed off. He knocked down a chair.  I caught up with him.  I made him pick up the overturned chair.  We went outside.  This particular meltdown lasted about 15 or 20 minutes.  It felt like 3 hours to me.  I can't imagine how long it felt to B-man.

Despite days like this, I still believe that AUTISM IS NOT A TRAGEDY.

How could it be?  Have you seen my little man?  He's so au-some.  I love his mind.  I love him.

I'll take the rough days because it gives me days like theses...

B: Momma, I like verbal irony
Me: Oh, yeah, what is verbal irony?
B: it's when you say the opposite of what you mean. Like when you say it's a beautiful day but it's dark and gloomy outside.

Or when he tells me Calvin Coolidge had a pet hippopotamus and Herbert Hoover had a pet alligator. I have not fact checked those but I believe it.

When he asks the nurse practitioner: So, what bacteria has caused my ear infection?
NP: ummm...usually staph or strep
B: I'm glad to hear it's not MRSA.  Because you know MRSA and antibiotics (makes URGH face)
Me: Are you trying to say that MRSA doesn't respond to antibiotics?
B: sadly, yes.

Talking to Autistic Kids about Salvation

"Accept Jesus into your heart."

"Cross the line of faith."

"Washed clean by the blood of the lamb."

"Jesus' blood has covered our sins."

These are wonderful churchy sentiments.  Think about them literally for one minute.

"Accept Jesus into your heart." How?  How can a person come into my heart? I've never seen Jesus, how will he get into my heart? Will that hurt?

"Cross the line of faith." Where is the line?

"Washed clean by the blood of the lamb."  "Jesus' blood has covered our sins." Yikes! I don't like blood. I don't want anyone's blood on me.  Lamb's are so cute. I don't want them to bleed.  Blood is red. I skinned my knee and the blood stained my jeans.  How can blood wash my clean?

Many autistic kiddos are black and white thinkers.  Figurative language makes 0.0% sense to many of them.  Christianity is full of figurative language.  How can we help autistic kids, or any concrete thinker, understand the love of Christ and salvation?

Explain that we are sinners.  We want to choose correctly but we can not. And this means that we can not be close to God.

But, God made a plan to help us get closer to him.  He sent his son, Jesus.  Jesus lived a perfect life on Earth as an example for us.  But we aren't perfect.  We can not do everything perfectly like Jesus.

God needed some one to help us get closer to him.  Jesus died so we could be closer to God.

Salvation means agreeing with God that we need help to be closer to Him.  It means agreeing that Jesus died to make a way for us to be closer to God.  Salvation means that we believe that God loved us enough to send His son to die for us and that Jesus died for us.

When we agree that Jesus died for us so that we can be closer to God, we are saved.  We will live with Jesus in Heaven forever.  Because Jesus loved us, we get to love one another.

Romans 10:9-10 explains this very clearly.  I like the NIV best for clarity...

If you confess with you mouth that Jesus is LORD and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

The cool thing is that God has a plan to bring everyone to Himself.  Autistic people. Concrete thinkers.  A goofy momma of 3 boys.  Every. One.

For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And having chosen them, he called them to come to him.  And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.
Romans 8:29-20 NIV

As Emily Colson's  pastor told her about her autistic son, "God speaks Max's language."

Note: this is not a perfect solution.  This explanation still has some figurative language.  I'd love to hear your suggestions in the comments.

Note: I geared this post towards children because that's the population I have the most experience with.  I would imagine these suggestions will work for adults as well.

Zac

Yesterday I became the mother of 2 teenage boys.  How is this even possible?  Most days I feel about 12 years old.  Out of sorts, unsure, giggly.  How is it that God has entrusted me with these 3 boys? How is it that I've managed to guide them safely to the teenage years?  If I've done anything by the grace of God, it's raised these boys.  I have no idea what I'm doing.

Since Zac and Sam are older and creating their own digital footprint, I don't write about them too much.  I don't want to violate their privacy or embarrass them.  But for birthdays, all bets are off.  Just kidding.  I let Zac read and approve this.

Zac is a cool kid.  He's generally calm and quiet.  But his wit is sharp.  He and Sam go on vacation with my uncle every year and my uncle always makes them word games to play.  This year they were on the last game, the big money pay out game.  Everyone was struggling.  Zac declares, "I'm the Bernie Sanders of this game.  I have no hope of winning but I'm hanging in there. I wouldn't give up." What!?!  Where did that come from? We aren't a political family.  I don't recall discussing any of the candidates with Zac.  But there it is...

There are times when I think Zac is really a sloth in clothes.  He can sleep 20 out of 24 hours in a day. When getting ready for school, he's the last one out the door.  My nickname is Pokey Puppy.  He's a hard worker, though.  Once he's out of bed, he takes care of his business (generally =).

Zac is an ESPN addict.  He gets alerts on his phone.  He reads.  He knows all kinds of player stats.  He and Sam love to argue about GOATs (greatest of all time for those of you 30 and over).  Sam has to watch it because Zac will bust out some heavy duty stats on him in those arguments.

But my favorite thing about Zac is his loving heart.  I found he and Brennan on the floor of B's room the other night huddled over B's iPad.  Last Thursday, he and B orchestrated a family game night with the game Super Fight.  We usually play 1 on 1 but they had hatched a plan for a big family, winner take all face off at the end.  One Christmas he was sad we didn't have anything under the tree (I'm a last minute shopper because I can't stand to have presents for people, I want to give as soon as I get them!).  He wrapped up some of his things to put under the tree for his family.

He's not perfect.  But he loves the LORD, loves his family and is a hard worker.  What else could a momma ask for?

Gymnastics!

Once upon a time, a physical therapist told us the B would do best in an individual sport like gymnastics or martial arts.  Last summer I signed B up for a karate camp at the Sensable Gym, a gym designed for kids with special needs.  He loved camp! He loved his Sensei! We signed up for karate lessons!

B received Most Spirited
Award from his awesome Sensei

He enjoyed karate lessons but each lesson almost always ended in a meltdown.  His Sensei was so patient and loving with him.  He always struck a great balance between pushing him and letting him have his space.  If I'm perfectly honest, though, karate lessons were hard for me. It was hard to see him lose it every week.  I was hard to stand my ground when he wanted to quit.  But I really wanted him to have a sport or activity that was his.  We took a break from karate after Christmas.  We gave it another shot later in the Spring but he wasn't having it.

This past Spring, B expressed an interest in football.  He even attended football camp put on by our high school coaches.  It was a great experience.  He's signed up to play on our local youth league team for the fall and Ryan is going to coach.  I'm a little nervous but excited for him as well.

Our neighbors are among our best friends.  They have a daughter B's age.  They get along great.  I think he's spent as much time at their house this summer as he's spent at ours.  Their daughter takes gymnastics lessons.  B tagged along to lessons one day and the coach let him participate.  He loved it.  Last week, he wanted to go again.  My friend asked if she could sign him up.  Sure, why not!?!

I have had a discussion with my neighbor about how B acts differently when I'm not around. Our plan is for her to take him to gymnastics and I'll come later to watch.  Yesterday was the first day for this plan.

When I came in they were stretching and warming up.  Then they lined up and crossed the floor doing various things like jumping and rolling.  In this processes, they were supposed to cartwheel down the floor.  B waited patiently (for him) until all the other boys went then he told the coach he didn't know how to cartwheel.  The coach very patiently showed him how to do it.



Throughout the lesson, whenever B would say "I don't know how to do it!"  The coach would reply, "I know, I'm teaching you".  He never seemed to get irritated with B.  He corrected him on both form and gym etiquette.

B was frustrated most of the lesson.  Some of the boys are not beginners.  However, he stayed with his group and tried each activity.  He did leave the group one time. But the coach was patient with him.  He asked him to rejoin the group then left him alone.  Within a few minutes, B was back with the group.

After the lesson B was not too happy.  He was tired.  We had a bad storm the night before that interrupted his sleep.  He didn't want to talk about the lesson.  Even later in the evening, he didn't want to talk.

But he didn't say he was quitting either.  And that's progress!

Mr Honesty

The last day of school is always chaotic. This year was no exception. Sam's 8th grade awards assembly and B's end of year party overlapped. Ryan could be at awards but needed to leave as soon as it was over for a meeting. Thankfully, Zac's 6th grade awards had been earlier in the week. 

I have learned that B needs someone with him at parties or special events. One year I didn't line anyone up for Grandparent's lunch. He didn't say anything that day but a month later, I heard about it. And the next year on Grandparent's lunch day, I heard about how no one came to Grandparent's lunch. The dude has an incredible memory.

So, I hatched a plan. 

Mr. Honesty on the last day of 1st grade

My neighbor, Lori, also has a daughter in B's grade. She came to the middle school, signed Zac out and took him to the elementary school to be at the party with B. After Sam's awards, I ran over to the elementary school. 

By the time I got there, the teacher had given out awards. I started to take B's picture with his award when Zac said "I already took his picture." Well then! Thanks, Zac!

B had been presented with the Honesty Award.  So right on!  Don't ask that boy a question you don't want a real answer to.  I was so touched that B's teacher had chosen to highlight that particular portion of his personality.  She took something that could be a deficit and rewarded him for it.

A couple of weeks ago B spent the night with his aunt and uncle.  His uncle made chocolate chip cookies after dinner.  B loves him some chocolate!  The next morning his aunt was in the kitchen and B was coming downstairs.  She asked him what he was doing.

"I went up to check on the boys."

"OK" she said.

Suddenly, B dropped his head "OK, OK! I'll tell you the truth.  I ate the last two cookies!"

He can't help but be honest!

Why is honesty tricky for us?

Because people confuse bluntness with honesty.  They think to be honest you also have to be rude.  But that's not true.  You can tell the truth in love.  We need to be telling each other the truth in love.  What kind of relationships do we have if we aren't telling each other the truth in love?  Superficial ones.

Most of the time, B does tell the truth in love.  Just the other night he asked Ryan if he could lay on his stomach.  "I love your big old soft belly" Without love, this is B telling Ryan he weighs too much.  In B's loving world, he's telling Ryan "I love being close to you."

It's easy to be blunt and rude.  Some people think it's fun.  They want to be rude to your face and laugh it off, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."  No thank you.  I don't want to deal with it.  I want people to be real and tell me the truth in love.  It's what God has called us to.  Real relationship with Him and each other.

He ate what?

Last week, B wanted to go to our neighborhood pool. He loves the pool but only wants to go if there are other people there.  He's a social butterfly.  On this day, a young lady was there with a school aged girl and a baby boy. He started playing with the girl and talking to the baby (he loves babies) and I started talking to the young lady, who turned out to the be their aunt.

We were talking about the excellence of our local elementary school and I put in my two cents about the excellence of the school and the special education department.  I explained that B was autistic and who wonderful everyone has been for him.  The aunt asked me how B was diagnosed, if the school had identified him or if we had done outside testing.  As I answered, I was reminded of the interesting journey we had towards B's diagnosis.

B's been receiving therapy for speech and behavior since he was 2 from ECI (early childhood intervention).  When he turned 3 he graduated from ECI and was handed off the local school district. We lived in Forney at the time but I worked in Sunnyvale.  B was eligible to attend Sunnyvale because I worked there. Once school started he continued to receive speech therapy and social skills help during class.  All this to say, we knew something was amiss but we weren't completely sure he was autistic.

B has always put things in his mouth.  I have a pair of his pants, size 6 months, with a big hole.  His baby sitter had put him in his rear facing car seat and gone to the bank. When they returned home, he had a hole in his pants.  We assume he ate the fabric.  He loved those cheap flannel receiving blankets, he would put them in his mouth then pull them out, like a dog wrestling you for a blanket.  Speaking of dogs, his baby bed looks like I boarded a dog in there.  The spindles are gnawed on! During naptime at school, he would chew on his socks.  His teacher finally had to start carrying his socks in her pocket to keep them out of his mouth.

One Thursday morning, he began throwing up.  I stayed home with him, figuring he had a virus.  We had an appointment the next day to talk to our family doctor about him eating stuff and putting things in his mouth.  Thursday he acted like he didn't feel good.  On Friday he was back to his cheerful self but we went on to the doctor.  Our is awesome, very thorough.  She wondered if he had eaten something and had something stuck in his esophagus or stomach that was causing him to vomit.  She took an x-ray and sent us to the Children's ER.

At Children's the doctor barely looked at the x-ray but declared confidently that 'something was going around'.  She gave B anti-nausea medicine and gatorade and said he could keep it down, he could go home.  He did so we left.  We even stopped for burgers on the way home.

The next few days were a blur.  B would play and eat all day but then wake up in the middle of the night vomiting. Except it was not normal vomit.  His food appeared to be undigested. It looked almost the same as when he had eaten it.  For three days this continued and he under went a new test every day.  Most of the tests were at different places.  But one thing remained the same.  The people running the test would always say "Are you sure he doesn't have any other diagnosis'?"  I quickly figured out that they were asking if he was autistic.  I would answer no, he's not autistic but he does have some developmental delays.

On Thursday we landed in the office of Dr. An a pediatric GI doctor.  He had no idea what was going on with B but he did know it wasn't normal.  He told us that kids if kids are going to throw up at night, they are going to do it within the first 15 minutes after they laid down.   He suggested we do a stomach scope to see what was going on. We agreed.  He had an opening the next morning in Frisco.

Ryan and I were waiting when Dr. An came out to see us.  B was still in the OR but he wanted to asks us a question.  Could he have eaten a candle?  There was a long green string and white waxy material in his stomach.  Nope, no candles at home, only Scentsys and none of those were white. The green string had to be from his blanket.

So Dr. An pushed some of the waxy stuff through so B would pass it, brought some up for testing and biopsied spots in his stomach and esophagus to see if his body was making it.  After the surgery B felt better almost immediately.  We waited on pins and needles the next few days waiting for the test results.  The results finally came back that the white waxy substance was inorganic.  His body wasn't making it, it was something he ate.

The next week, I went to the elementary school and walked his classroom with his teacher and principal.  We were trying to see what he might have eaten.  We opened his supply box and found our answer - an empty glue stick.

We figure he must have eaten it a little bit at a time.  Then that first Thursday, he did actually have a virus and the vomiting made the pile of glue move to cover the exit of his stomach.  From then on he ate until his body physically couldn't hold anymore and since it could digest the food, he threw it up.

The result of all this is that we were referred to occupational therapy which started us on the path to his eventual diagnosis.  Those were stressful days wondering what was wrong with my B boy. But I'm so thankful for the path they put us on.  We were able to get him some very helpful therapy. And although it is frustrating at times, I'm thankful for Brennan's autism.  His mind is so unique.  We tell him all the time, Autism makes  you AU-some!

Sorry, Not Sorry

A doctor once told us that B was 'too social to be autistic'.  That was the last time we visited that doctor.  Autism encompasses so many things.  One of my favorite autism quote is "Once you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person."  Autism effects everyone differently.  B wants to be social, he just doesn't always know how to do it appropriately.

He is super friendly.  He loves to talk to people in public.  That's always an anxious moment for me. How will the other person respond to him? Will they be nice or look at him like he's a weirdo? This anxiety used to lead me to apologize for him, "Sorry, he's autistic."

But I'm not sorry he's autistic.  I think it's awesome.  I love that quirky little brain.  It produces so many interesting ideas and questions.  And I don't want him to be sorry he's autistic.  I want him to be proud of who he is.

Last week B, Ryan and I were in Target.  B said hello to a person passing by.  Ryan apologized.  Then it hit me! "We need to stop apologizing to strangers for him. He's being nice.  Let's let him be nice."  Ryan immediately agreed.

I do realize that sometimes we will need to explain B to people.  I actually love helping people understand him better.  But I'm not going to be sorry anymore.  Sorry is for when you hurt someone.  B isn't hurting anyone with his friendliness.

B loves babies.  We are teaching him how to behave around babies.  I was thrilled when he asked a mom at the pool, "Can he be tickled?" before tickling her baby boy.   His 1st grade teacher recently had a baby and we saw them at church.  B was very excited to meet the baby and offer advice on TV shows the baby could watch.  When my niece had a baby, my mom took B to the hospital to meet the new baby.  B made up a song on the spot.

Those are sweet, loving things that I don't want to squash.  So sorry, not sorry peoples of the world.  B man is on the loose.