Saturday, September 28, 2013


How do you mend a broken heart?

No, really. I need to know.

Currently, there are 3 situations in my life that have left me heartbroken this week.  Two of them I have 0.0% control over so I pray for those involved.  I pray a lot!

But one I am intimately involved in and I just don't know what to do about it.

Today Brennan told us "God didn't make me right.  I can't act like everyone else." See? Heartbreak.

I think he's been thinking about this most of the week.  On Wednesday he asked me "Why did God make us?"  I told him God made us to worship him, to love him and to show his love to others.  That's our big family rule: Show God's Love.

You see, Brennan's had a rough week at school.  He's become physical with friends and teachers.  And while the grown ups around him work together to find solutions, he's doubting his worth.  At 5 years old.  Heartbreaking.

I don't know where this has come from.  I do not believe for one second that any adult in his life has said this to him.  I know and love his caregivers at school.  They care deeply for him.

But he is broken somehow.  He thinks his differences are wrong. And that's not OK with me.  But I don't know how to fix it.

Honestly, I haven't gotten over the pain of it to look for solutions.  I haven't discussed it with my usual support system.  Ryan and I haven't discussed it.  I don't know that I can yet.  I'm crying just typing this.

So, this is real life with an autistic son.  One who is smart as a whip. And cute.  And funny.  Who makes everyone fall in love with him.  Who is made in God's own image and paid for by the blood of Christ.  Who doesn't believe it yet.

But I do.  And Ryan does.  And his brothers do.  His grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins do.  Team Monkey does.

And through this pain, God will show us how to show him.


trisigmaks said...

I love you so much and thanks for sharing. I hope I don't have to hear these words from my B, but I won't know that until it happens. Right now he is oblivious to others opinions and comments, but I don't think he hears many of them yet. I say yet. My B's confidence just shines and shines, and I pray we get that forever...

Paul R. Wood said...

I can't truly speak to the situation as I don't have a child with autism but maybe I can speak a little from the spiritual side. My first thought is why and what is he measuring himself against to come up with the thought that he is not made right? I can see where the pain comes from for you in that situation. Yet while you so aptly reply to his question about why did God make us, my thought is how wonderful that he is asking. I always believe that we are in people's lives for a reason, your son is in your life and the lives of all those he comes in contact for a reason, God's reason. Please understand that I am not saying you needed to learn something by this, but rather your son has something to teach us all. What about the "normal" child that acts out or gets physical? Where does that come from? Who knows, yet we think or have a tendency to think that the "normal" child is having a bad day.
I am humbled by your journey, your strength, your compassion, you ability to be outnumbered and to still shine forth and teach me as well as others. I am sure this is all just ramblings of an old man and mean little but just some thoughts going through my head. Keep writing about all of this as I am sure the clarity will come as a result.

You are AWESOME Aimee! Thank you for being so.