Hurting

Sunday night we took the boys out to eat as a kind of end of summer celebration.  At one point I looked around and no one was talking.  I had already asked them questions about the upcoming school year and gotten short answers, so I didn't want to keep asking questions and feel like I was grilling them.  It was hurtful.  I felt like a bad mom.  Look at my family sitting here in silence while families all around us were talking and laughing.  What am I doing wrong?

The boys did eventually start talking.  But I couldn't shake the bad mom feeling.  So, I decided to do something I got from my sister in law, who got it from another friend of ours.  I decided to do a prayer journal with each one of them.

Once they were in bed, I went into their room and sat with them.  I asked them for 3 things they were thankful for and 3 things they were worried about (I modified for B - 1 worry and 2 thankful).  I wrote the things in the journal then we prayed.

Wow! I got more than I bargained for.  More than I had expected.

At dinner I had thought, "Do they even like each other?" During our prayer time I found out they are all thankful for our family.  I was also touched that both the older boys are faithful for their faith.  Their thankfulness encouraged me.

I also found out the things that are hurting my boys' hearts.  And it crushed me.  I cried with them. I prayed with them and I held them close.  After the last boy I sat on the stairs crying and praying. I was so overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do to ease their pain. I'm not sure how to help them.  This had done nothing to relieve my feelings of being a bad mom.  I crawled into my bed and fell asleep praying and crying.

All I can do is pray and ask God to guide Ryan and I.  Ask Him to lead us as we lead them.  This verse was in my reading this morning:

There's not always a way to fix things right this minute.  But, I can stand firm in my faith.  Keep praying.  Keep asking God to lead my boys.  Keep begging Him to lead Ryan and I.

But the bottom line is: let all that you do be done in love.  I have to lead from a place of love.  I have to show them how to live in love even when you're hurting.  We all know the adage, "Hurt people hurt people." I don't want the things that are worrying or hurting my boys to lead them to hurt others. I want them to operate from love.

So, today I pray, "LORD, help me to lead my boys in love.  Let them do all things out of love."