Overcoming Stage Fright

Last Thursday, B had a choir program at school.  The entire 2nd grade was putting on a patriot program.   The music teachers had the awesome idea to let the kids introduce veterans in their family.  Not only was B going to sing with his classmates, he was also set to introduce his Cool Ronnie who served our country in the Army.

As far as we knew, everything was going according to plan.

Then last Wednesday, B had a rough day at school.  That evening he asked me to take him out of the program.  He told me he was scared and he "just could not do it!"  He was worried that he couldn't keep up with the plate dance.  I had no idea what this meant, but I assured him he'd be fine.  He wasn't buying it.  We talked about it some but he wasn't budging.  I reminded him that he was going to get to introduce Cool Ronnie.  This bought me some time.

Thursday afternoon, he was back to his not going plan.  But it wasn't wholehearted.  He got dressed.  He told me how nervous he was.  We said some prayers.  He had the great idea to bring his stress ball that a buddy had given him.

We got to the program, he picked up his flag and plates. But his paper he was going to read to introduce Ronnie was missing.  My nerves were a bit frayed. Thankfully, his teacher swooped in with a piece of paper, rewrote the intro and saved the day.

The program started and my boy shined! He got to come to the front to play the finger cymbals for one song.  He really made the most of it! His teacher sent me this photo.  Pure joy! And, of course, he added his own little flair to the cymbals! His stage fright was put to rest.

When it was time to introduce Cool Ronnie, he patiently waited his turn in line.  Then he did a great job of reading his paper.  I was so proud of him. I may have cried.

After the program, B was so proud of himself. He knew he had overcome his anxiety and worry and he was so proud of himself.  And I was bursting with pride as well!


We've been on this autism journey for a few years now.  But God never ceases to amaze me.  He gives my boy the strength he needs.  He shows us and others how to help B.  God is amazing!  I'm so thankful for His guidance and provision on this journey.

Dreams

My dream is to be a writer and speaker.  There I said it.  It's out there. I can't take it back, you all know now.

I have always wanted to write.  I've written my entire life.  I just never thought I could have it as a job.  It never occurred to me.  I guess I thought a job was something you had to get up and go to everyday.  You have to apply and interview for it for jobs.

In college, I had a double major of counseling and public speaking.  I know, it's a weird combo but I knew I wanted to help people and speak to large groups.  I'm thankful that I had went to a small university where weird combos are possible.  Speaking has been a part of every job I've had whether it's speaking in front of new students, my own students,  parents or other teachers.  I always enjoy it.

About 3 years ago, God really put these dreams on my heart.  It's as if they were there all the time but God started really pressing me on them.  The problem was, and is, I didn't know how to go about achieving these dreams.  I still don't, really.  When I wanted to become a teacher, I took classes, got certified and applied for jobs.

What I did know to do was to be obedient.  I started to pray for opportunities and committed to be obedient in whatever God told me to do.  Almost a year ago, I committed, in obedience, to writing 3 times a week on this blog.  So far, I haven't missed a post.  I wrote a couple of weeks ago about writing my first Bible study.  Again, obedience.  The idea came up, I prayed and did what God was asking me to do.

My struggle is in the day to day.  I have a great job.  I enjoy serving the teachers and students at my school.  But I have this dream in my heart that I don't know what to do with. I want to write all day. I want to speak to women about how Christ has impacted me.  I want to point them to hope.  I'm not sure how to fulfill it.  And it kind of eats at me.  Do you know that feeling?  You want to do something but you can't seem to make it happen?

What I'm left with is obedience.  Jesus tells a parable about two workers.  Their boss entrusted them both with a bit of money.  One hid his money so that he wouldn't lose it.  The other put his money to work so he could return the money plus some to his boss.  I want to be that second dude.  So, I get up every morning and I write.  I read and I study.  I pray.  I listen.  I try to be obedient.  And I hope because I know He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

I want to know about your dreams.  What has God pressed into your heart?

My Antidote to Stress

I've been feeling kinda stressed lately.  Some of it is just normal stress - deadlines, going out of town, trying new things - that kind of stuff.  And some of it I'm not even aware of yet.  But my body is sending me signals.  My neck is stiff and sore.  I'm tired.  I want to eat everything I can get my hands on.  And the headaches! Good gracious the headaches.  Last week, I woke up with one everyday from grinding my teeth.

It's weird to me that my body feels stress that my head isn't aware of yet.  But, none the less, here it is.  So, I need to decide what to do about it.  My 3 Ws antidote to stress:

Workout 
URGH! Some days I do not want to work out.  I want to crawl in my bed and sleep.  My bed is so comfy and my sheets are so crispy and cool. My pillow is near perfection.  But, alas, my body cries out under stress and so I need to counter balance it.  Right now I'm doing a 31 day yoga challenge.  It's called Yoga Revolution and it's on YouTube.  It was designed to be done in January but I'm doing it now because I'm such a rebel.  (stop laughing!) I love the physical benefits of yoga.  I'm on day 10 and I've bribed myself with some awesome stickers from Etsy if I do all 31 days in a row!

Word
My main problem with yoga is the spiritual side of it.  It can be a bit of self worship.  So, I find I need to have God's Word at the ready.  I need to mediate on His truth and not my own.  This is true during yoga and throughout the day.  Here are two verses I'm clinging to right now.  Both are on post it notes on my computer so I see them several times a day.  I also email them to myself so I get to see them when I'm going through my emails each day.

Worship
In computer programming there's a saying "Garbage In. Garbage Out." It means if you give bad instructions to the computer, it will produce bad results.  Same thing is true for your mind.  When you put in garbage, you mind turns to mush.  I love music.  I love to have music on all day.  I love to sing, although NO ONE loves to hear it!  I usually have songs running through my mind at all hours of the day and night.  So, it's important to me to put good songs into my head.

Most of you know I'm a big fan of Shane and Shane.  I knew them in high school.  They are great guys with a deep love for the LORD.  I have a huge Shane and Shane playlist of Spotify.  It's my go to playlist when I'm stressed.  I try to listen to it at least once a day so I have good info in my head.  Especially their songs from Psalms. Here's a link to my playlist.

While not a W, I also rely heavily on prayer.  I try to talk to God through out day. I ask Him to help me pinpoint the source of my stress.  I ask Him to relieve my stress.  I ask Him to take over.  I ask Him to forgive me for trying to handle everything on my own.  I thank Him for being God.

What's your best stress strategy?

Apologizing

"B, do you want anything to eat?" I ask in the Wendy's drive through. He thinks for a moment.
"No, momma."
I order food for Sam and a drink for myself.  I pay, the Wendy's employee hands me a sack of food and the drinks.  I pull off.
"Is all that food for Sam?"
"Yes, all the food is for Sam but one of the drinks is mine."
"I knowed I should have ordered something."
"B! I asked you if you wanted anything! You're killing me, Smalls!"
"You're killing me, Bigs!"
A beat passes and B continues, "I'm sorry momma."
"For what baby?"
"Being embarrassing"

What just happened?  How did we go from not wanting food, to wanting food, to being embarrassing?

I tried to assure B that he's not embarrassing to me.  I tell him I love him just the way he is.  I tell him Jesus loves him just the way he is. But still, I'm bothered.

I've written before about my problem with apologizing for B's social nature.  Now I'm wondering if I've rubbed off on him.

I started noticing this behavior a few weeks ago. He's say "sorry" a lot.  A few hours before the Wendy's incident, I had picked him up from my mom's.  As momma and I chatted, he went into the living room to play.  When I was ready to go, I said, "B, where are you? Let's go."  His response: "Sorry momma, I was in the living room. I'm sorry."

"Get dressed"
"Sorry"

"B, it's time to stop playing and take a shower"
"OK momma, sorry."

I'm heartbroken, honestly.  What has happened to my boy that he thinks he has to be sorry for playing or not already being dressed?  And what in the world has happened to make him think he's embarrassing?

Of course, he's not able to tell me just yet.  I'm sure he'll get it all worked out in the awesome mind of his and be able to tell me later.  Or maybe not.  Such is autism.  Some thoughts are just trapped in there.

All I can do for the time being is love him and try to explain when he needs to apologize for something and when he doesn't.  Try to remember to tell him that I'm not upset, I'm just letting him know what he needs to do next.  I need to be more explicit with him as he can't always pick up on my verbal cues.

I need to remember that my boy is sensitive.  Again, the idea that autistic people don't have emotions is bunk.  He doesn't want me to be upset with him.  He wants love and acceptance just like everyone of us.  It's my job to try to ease his fears, to remind him that he is very loved, show him how to navigate this complicated world.  And I'm happy to do that!