Tuesday, February 21, 2017


"B, do you want anything to eat?" I ask in the Wendy's drive through. He thinks for a moment.
"No, momma."
I order food for Sam and a drink for myself.  I pay, the Wendy's employee hands me a sack of food and the drinks.  I pull off.
"Is all that food for Sam?"
"Yes, all the food is for Sam but one of the drinks is mine."
"I knowed I should have ordered something."
"B! I asked you if you wanted anything! You're killing me, Smalls!"
"You're killing me, Bigs!"
A beat passes and B continues, "I'm sorry momma."
"For what baby?"
"Being embarrassing"

What just happened?  How did we go from not wanting food, to wanting food, to being embarrassing?

I tried to assure B that he's not embarrassing to me.  I tell him I love him just the way he is.  I tell him Jesus loves him just the way he is. But still, I'm bothered.

I've written before about my problem with apologizing for B's social nature.  Now I'm wondering if I've rubbed off on him.

I started noticing this behavior a few weeks ago. He's say "sorry" a lot.  A few hours before the Wendy's incident, I had picked him up from my mom's.  As momma and I chatted, he went into the living room to play.  When I was ready to go, I said, "B, where are you? Let's go."  His response: "Sorry momma, I was in the living room. I'm sorry."

"Get dressed"

"B, it's time to stop playing and take a shower"
"OK momma, sorry."

I'm heartbroken, honestly.  What has happened to my boy that he thinks he has to be sorry for playing or not already being dressed?  And what in the world has happened to make him think he's embarrassing?

Of course, he's not able to tell me just yet.  I'm sure he'll get it all worked out in the awesome mind of his and be able to tell me later.  Or maybe not.  Such is autism.  Some thoughts are just trapped in there.

All I can do for the time being is love him and try to explain when he needs to apologize for something and when he doesn't.  Try to remember to tell him that I'm not upset, I'm just letting him know what he needs to do next.  I need to be more explicit with him as he can't always pick up on my verbal cues.

I need to remember that my boy is sensitive.  Again, the idea that autistic people don't have emotions is bunk.  He doesn't want me to be upset with him.  He wants love and acceptance just like everyone of us.  It's my job to try to ease his fears, to remind him that he is very loved, show him how to navigate this complicated world.  And I'm happy to do that!

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