#goals

This image came up in my Timehop last week.  Had it been a thing, I would have certainly used #goals at the end of this status update.

I reshared this on my Facebook page last week to say that I'd met my goal. I went around Ryan and my mom and I got season tickets to the Dallas Summer Musicals.  We saw some awesome shows this year - including The Lion King - and we've already renewed our tickets for next year. 

Six years ago, I thought if I went to the musicals once a month I'd feel like a grown up.  But here's the thing...I don't feel like a grown up after seeing 6 awesome shows.  I did miss one, but I saw all the others.  Maybe the one I missed is the key to feeling like a grown up but I doubt it.

I hardly ever feel like a grown up.  In general, I feel like a 12 year old girl.  I usually have no idea what I should wear, no idea what to say, am uncertain about some relationships.  I doubt I'm a good mom.  I have no idea why Ryan married me.  I don't want to make side dishes for dinner, just the entree. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'd really like someone to pay me to read, write, color and create all day.  There are about a million things I'd like to research and do and I have no idea how to even start.

Last week I decided I wanted to figure this out. How is it that I am 44 years old but everyday I feel like I'm a 12 year old girl. 

Here's what I came up with - I equate being a grown up with being able to take care of myself, with independence, with not needing anyone else's help. 

As soon as I realized this, I realized it's doubtful that I will ever feel like a grown up with this definition. 

I "learned" a long time ago that life is better when we are interdependent rather than independent.  By which I mean I agreed in principle but not really in action.  I love to give and serve.  I'm not a big fan of receiving and being served.  More about that tomorrow...